Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
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Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants