*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
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When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.