“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
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Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂