Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
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“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.