“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
You Might Also Like
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
That’s enough internet for the day
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Encore…
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.