*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
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Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Still my favourite meme.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah