*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
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Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill