You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
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“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.