Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
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It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.