BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
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I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.