Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
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Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
just got my engagement photos
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.