Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
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you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!