Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
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~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
this article brought to you by lions
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.