Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
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amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
How it started: How it’s going:
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.