Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
You Might Also Like
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.