A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
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I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”