We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.