here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
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20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
We need more people like this.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”