It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
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*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.