Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
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Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Knock Knock
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??