Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
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Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.