ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
You Might Also Like
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
A drum solo but on your face.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY