my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
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Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
This a good idea
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
The three genders.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.