high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
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My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.