Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
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I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.