ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
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Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Schrödinger’s cookie
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.