Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
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Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>