COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
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I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
best review i’ve ever seen
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying