I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
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My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
📽️movie date🎞️
Hello Twits.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
whatcha thinkin bout
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
These 3D printers are insane!
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.