I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
You Might Also Like
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too