I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I’m awake but I object,
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.