“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
You Might Also Like
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
5 ways to appear taller
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?