[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
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court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year