My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
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“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
i will not be silenced
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.