i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
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My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.