Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
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Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Posting this on behalf of a friend
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Hey i am sexy to you now
iPhone X
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)