Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
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Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.