If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
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Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’