Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
All generalizations are stupid.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.