Nice try, poison.
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no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
*Inspirational Tweets*
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
How dude HOW?!
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
ME (calling my horse with no name):