if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
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The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Worlds greatest photobomb
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Childbirth is so beautiful
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…