I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
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I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
notice
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
How wrong was this guy?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent