It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
You Might Also Like
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
worst…sale…ever
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant