My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
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The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>