To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
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It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it