Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
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Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar