Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
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“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.