“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
You Might Also Like
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.