*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
You Might Also Like
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
hmmm
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Love is always patient and kind.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”