Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
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fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity